A Grass-Roots Candidate

by Tom Wise

Recently, I had the “pleasure” of addressing a fellow who was desirous to become President of the United States for the express purpose of changing the Constitution, the world, the way people think, and apparently also his income. This set me to thinking (Actually, that isn’t hard to do. If you throw me a tennis ball, I’ll make a philosophy out of it), What if the Constitution were shaped in his particular manner?

First of all, he would outlaw guns. I’m not sure how he would do this except by prying them from cold dead hands, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt instead of the butt of a rifle (just for now). According to President Fellow, citizens would be safer. At least from each other. At least that’s the plan. But when all the guns have been melted down for hookah pipes, what happens when the next president (dictator) gets elected (overthrows the sitting dictator)? Well.... sorry, I guess. “Didn’t think that far ahead. Was countin’ on evolution to enlighten everyone. Woops. My bad.”

Second, he would pass an equal rights amendment. This is very important because apparently some people don’t have rights, specifically (and I quote) “immigrants... labor unions... sexual orientations... Native Americans... and humans.” I suppose it doesn’t matter that every person over the age of 18 who is a citizen and not a felon gets to vote, which is the single greatest right the government can honor (other than the right to free stuff, of course). Nor is it pertinent that the 14^th Amendment and the “good and plenty” clause is already (mis)used for every group that isn’t too lazy to protest (note to self: organize lazy people). The result? Clogged courts, more victim mentality, and a lot of soiled underwear.

Third, he would love (in a sexual way) to dismantle the defense of the nation by eliminating (and I quote) “weapons of mass destruction (i.e., necessary deterrents)... war on terrorists... weapons in space (cool toys)... the Defense Department.” Now, in the interest of fairness (uh oh), I will say that some of his other recommendations are valid, but that’s like saying we can nibble around the bad parts of a blue roast beef sandwich. Let’s face it, I’m talking about a peacenik, and you don’t get “nik” at the end of your nick unless you’ve earned it. The outcome here is not too bad: anarchy, ultimatums, and destruction (called it “planned infrastructure rebuilding”).

Fourth, he would make Washington DC a state. (Speechless)

I forgot to mention that this chap has been arrested “more than 50 times” and has spent “four months in federal prison” for “peace protests.”

Never mind.