I Like ABO!

by Tom Wise

It was a great day for America when we found out that a nameless, faceless citizen could not only be President but also defeat the greatest incumbent of all time. Who was this superhero that ordinary men coveted so? Was he a mild-mannered Congressman from Texas? Was he a nimble governor? No! Weren’t you listening? He had no face and no name!

In fact, the polls all said that if this gallant man should ever have his name uttered all of his power would disappear. This Samson would be shorn if his tetragrammaton were to be scrolled! This demigod would be ripped to smithereens should anyone whisper even the first initial from his blazer!

And yet it was inevitable that his name should be known, that his monicker be etched into a plastic nameplate suitable for a convention. The press salivated for the moment. The people whimpered for the hope of his coming! Oh, Asgard, release yon Mjolnir of Thor!

The Earth trembled as the curtain was slowly drawn back by a pair of rented cherubs, recently of Arkansas. Then, from the shadows came forth... a shadow! A silhouette drawn subtly on the foreground. An outline so vague that even Steve Jobs could not give it form. It had a shape but not an identity. It had a head but no nose!

This... was... ABO. ANYBODY... BUT... OBAMA!

Yes, ABO, strange visitor from the mind of Zogby. Faster than a speeding election cycle, more powerful than a focus group. Able to leap the tallest credibility gap in a single bound or two. ABO, the candidate for truth, justice, and the way out of debt.

No, not the very popular Rick Perry. Not the consistent and able Ron Paul. Not even the very black Herman Cain. This shape-shifting little sprite would be the answer! Obama could be defeated by, and only by, ABO.

But once ABO is given a character, he loses miserably. This has been established long before his coming. It has been ordained by the clergy of the liberals. No Republican, conservative, or libertarian with an actual name or face can beat Barack Hussein Obama, the name most synonymous with Americanism. This has been written for eons, on the skin of many macacas.

Do not think, o wise fool, that you can outsmart the progressive progressive at his own progressiveness! Only by hiding in the shadows will you defeat the eternal Democrat shill known as “the press.” Only can the absence of identity make you have identity. The truth it is, young Skywalker.

Think of it! Does the name “Romney” mean as much as “Obama”? What is a “Bachmann?” Why does Ron Paul (and Rick Perry) have two first names? These are all mind games meant to bamboozle the American people. The results are in. The numbers have been crunched. The popcorn is stale. Registered voters want gender-neutral, no-personality, empty-worded politicians to fill the seats in Washington DC. Obama is the proof!

Therefore, let us fight fire with fire (and rabbits with grenades)! We shall defeat Obama (that’s Zero-Bama) with ABO, anybody but Obama! ABO shall silently and without disturbing the neighbors take all the marbles. It will be a landslide for ABO. I like ABO!